Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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