I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
