you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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