Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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