I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
