she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
