I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
