he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
