I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
