I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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