a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There's even glitter on my cock...
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