Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
