It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
smell my finger.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
