I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
