I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
