So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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