I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
