ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
