Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
