shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
