Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
