God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
