All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
