i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
