I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You are the jesus of drinking
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
