Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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