It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
