saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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