is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
