if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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