The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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