She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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