Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
