She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
