I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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