I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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