i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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