The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
