The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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