Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
