I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
