Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
