i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
