omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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