I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I supernannyed him into submission
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
