My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
third nipple confirmed
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
