You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
