Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
