I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
