Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
