Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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