I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
