Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
