just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
